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Happy Fucking Thanksgiving [28 Nov 2004|01:21am]
[ mood | broken ]

So I'm in Texas. And I almost went to see Jenny. But she wouldn't answer my calls, so by the time I finally got ahold of her, my window of opportunity had closed. Love sucks sometimes. I'm not even sure why I love her so much. She treats me like shit...always has. But it feels like my heart breaks everytime I even think about her. I just sent her this long email about how much she hurts me, and of course I'm regretting it...I don't want her to know how vulnerable I am. shitshitshit.

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it's finally happening [15 Jun 2004|02:43pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

i'm moving to seattle (finallyfinallyfinally)...i guess it's helping me take my mind off of jenny....i'm so excited i don't have much time to be sad...don't get me wrong, i'll still miss her, and i certainly still love her....but i'm moving on

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and yet again [08 Jun 2004|03:05am]
[ mood | so very sad ]

it's after 3 and i'm still up...every time i lay down, my mind races...i keep thinking that in 2 weeks, i'll be saying goodbye to jenny forever...maybe i'll see her again, but probably not....my heart is breaking and all i have is this stupid journal to talk to....shit....i've tried sleeping with music on, the tv on, everything off, and all i can do is lay there and think about her...about everything i'll miss...and i can't stop crying and i can't stop hurting....i don't want her to leave.....i know that this is what she needs to do to finish school, and i know that she hates it in spokane, but i want her to stay.....or take me with her...or make a commitment to me....tell me that this is temporary, and that when she's done with school she'll come back....or we can move to north carolina together (where she wants to be when it's all said and done)....hell...maybe after she's gone i'll feel differently, but i doubt it....i can't imagine not talking to her every day, not seeing her face....and i can't stop these damn tears....i already miss her so much, and she's not even gone yet....i keep thinking things like next weekend is the last weekend i'll have with her....i'll never see the dogdogs again.....i cleaned my room today and just sat and cried when i realized that their bowls won't be out much longer.....and there are so many little things here that are hers...and she can't take much with her (she's driving back with her mother and sister in a small suv that will already have their luggage...so she only has the room left-over after she and the dogs are in there), so she wants me to take more of her stuff....i don't know if i can handle this....our relationship has been so up and down, but we've always made it through each bump and supported each other regardless....what will i do now? how can i make it through with a phone call a week and a few emails here and there? how?

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so here's the lowdown [07 Jun 2004|03:28pm]
[ mood | crampy ]

i've been having a life....and now that i'm unemployed (not unemployable, mind you) i might as well bring the speed up

so i've been dating an alcoholic for the past year....yeah, jenny....i didn't know she was an alcoholic when we met and started dating...and when i found out, i thought, "i can handle this."....damn...it's the hardest thing...but it's so easy to love her...i guess it's complicated....but she's going home soon....she's from Mississippi, and is going back there in about 2 weeks....it's so damned depressing....i'm not sure what is going to happen to us when she leaves....i know it will be good, because my life has been about babysitting the drunk girl and dealing with her anger in between the loving....i need time to get my life back, but i've gotten so comfortable in the relationship that we have, that i'm not even sure where my life went...so, i guess i'm about to be single again....damn....unemployed and single again in the space of about 1 month...how did i wind up here?

don't get me wrong....the last year has been amazing....i wouldn't trade the love i have/have had for anything...and i'm moving on...i just don't know where to


on a different, random note: i have new roommates......shorty (22 year old domino's workin' dude w/mohawk & a sharpei named short-dog); amanda (22 year old momma of my baby...works at the rings & things that i just quit...punk rock); dylan (3 year old baby of the house...she's the cutest, but has the biggest attitude...lovelovelove)

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here i am again [07 Jun 2004|02:58pm]
once again, i'm unemployed and bored....boredandunemployed....bored
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[19 Jan 2004|06:42pm]
blah
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this is how i'm spending my saturday :( [11 Aug 2002|01:53am]
[ mood | bored ]

1. Do you have a car? If so, what kind of car is it? 1977 Monte Carlo (pimp gold)

2. Do you drive very often? about 3 days a week or so

3. What's your dream car? 76 Volks bus

4. Have you ever received a ticket? not for speeding.

5. Have you ever been in an accident? a woman slammed into my parked car once in a parking lot, and i "brushed" a brand new car with my m&m green volvo as i pulled out of my apartment lot to go take my license test...ack

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damn this is a good song [11 Aug 2002|12:28am]
[ mood | pleasently sleepy ]

When I'm not on a mountain,
I'm in a motel.
When I'm not on a highway,
I'm in an airplane.
Where are you?
Where are you when I'm not
thinking of you?
I am lonely.

When we were hangin' out,
you were a funny boy.
When the rain came down,
you were warm.
Who are you?
Who are you when I'm not
with you?

When, When will I hold you again?
If I stand up straight I'm the same height,
I know I was made for you!
I want to hold you, I want to hold you.
I want to hold you, I want to touch you,
I want to touch you, I want to see you.

I may not be able to write you
a song the whole world can relate to.
It's just that I'm so in love.

When I look in the mirror,
I try to see what you see.
I wish I could just
turn on the TV
and see you interacting

When, When will I see you again?
If we stand up straight we're the same height,
I know we were made for each other!
I want to see you, I want to see you.
I want to see you, I want to touch you.
I want to touch you, I want to hold you.

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[05 May 2002|09:58pm]
i haven't died....yet
still here
still stoned
still hating life
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[05 Apr 2002|01:18pm]
the buck stops here.
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[03 Apr 2002|01:07pm]
so i don't have internet at home right now....it so sucks to be poor
and i hate life
that's the update
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warning: by reading this, you are joining a pity party and throwing depression colored confetti [22 Mar 2002|06:39pm]
[ mood | so fucking depressed ]

so....i just did a budget
it's so depressing.
just for rent, uts, and my shrink, it's half of my paycheck
add gas, taxes ($240 an month!) and insurance, and my paycheck's spent.
that's not counting food, entertainment or bills that i'm trying to catch up on.
i'm about $20,000 in debt (not counting college), and i'm drowning
i want/need to file bankruptcy, but i can't afford it
i'm so screwed.
i need to get another job, but i don't have time to.
and what would i do?
it would have to be a job i could work between 6p & midnight
this is pathetic
i'm making twice as much as i made a year ago, and i can't live off of it (i couldn't live off what i made a year ago either, which is part of the reason i'm in so much debt)
and i think, "okay, i'll pay off rent and some bills this paycheck" but i can ONLY afford rent and current house bills (electricity, phone, garbage)
but then i remember that to do that would leave me with less than $50 and i have to pay the shrink (i'm supposed to pay her $160 before i get paid on 04/08, so that needs to come out of this check) and i still have to pay the dentist ($45), doctor ($50) and the last shrink ($120).....these are just the bills i've racked up in the last week
i think i need to sell my car. :(
it's sad, cause it rocks and gets me around, but i might not have any other choice.
though i would have to get it put in my name first, but i can't afford to do that yet (it's still in my aunt's name)
i guess i should count my blessings that i even have a job, but at this rate, i'll be homeless within the year
on monday i have to call the shrink and cancel, because i just can't afford it right now
which sucks.
my mental health is in such a precarious state lately.
i'm crying right now.
hell, i seem to cry every 5 minutes.
i should be on some serious medication, but i can't afford it.
i have no support system here; my best friend lives an hour away and i can't afford to call her
i know about 5 people in all of spokane (besides my roommate and people i work with), and i can't afford to hang out with them because they're always "going out" (not that i get invited)
well, that's not true.....amy invited me out last weekend, i just couldn't afford to do anything
i cried this week when i had to buy tampons because i had to scrape together pennies, and it was either buy them and not gas or groceries ($9 worth), or buy gas and milk (pretty much all you can get these days for $9) and bleed all over town for the whole week
my tax return hasn't come back yet (i'm supposed to be getting $380 by my calculations) and that puts me even further behind because i had to pay back a loan that i needed to get home from seattle a few weeks ago
it's all i can do anymore just to get out of bed in the morning.
i have already been through so much shit in my life (every shrink i've ever been to has told me that they're surprised i'm even alive....though they're always quick to add that the shit i've been through is character and strength building)....i don't need any fucking more character
my life is pathetic and painful and no one cares.

shakira is on the cover of rolling stone! [21 Mar 2002|07:23pm]
[ mood | mischievous ]

i just read the article....she's amazing...i have all of her cds, and trust me, you should too.....not only is she hot, but she's amazingly talented.....and she's hot....have i mentioned that i'm stoned today?

well, let me do so.

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[20 Mar 2002|11:35pm]



Take the you STOOPID quiz.

another quiz created by Peta


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i've smoked enough empty stomach smokes to know how it will feel when you leave me [20 Mar 2002|11:29pm]
my hands are fucking freezing, by the way

oh...and the subject is something i thought up this morning...thought it was cool
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[20 Mar 2002|11:23pm]
oh yeah....and i got a few of these goddesses today....they're cool
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Dear god(dess)(?), [20 Mar 2002|11:07pm]
[ mood | stoned ]

i'm a dork. oh yes. i'm sitting here doing work at home. and not getting paid.
one word. schmuck.
well, not really....this sounds dumb, but i like making things easier for everyone and it will make the customers not ask so many stupid questions....so i'm testing out the new shopping cart site
anyway. i'm a dork.
yes.

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in which the snow came down [20 Mar 2002|07:54am]
[ mood | snowy ]

and down and down and down

there's about 5 inches in places where last night, there was none
have i ever mentioned that i HATE snow? well. i do.
hate.

oh yeah, and the friend that i mentioned that i haven't seen since her wedding is trying to have a baby....wierd
she's shana....she can't have a baby....people i know aren't supposed to be trying to have a baby
baby

anyone wanna donate sperm...i'm thinking of trying to have a baby

wait....i'm 23 and can barely take care of myself. nevermind.

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by the by [19 Mar 2002|07:06pm]

Believe it or not, my Mormon name is Jodelie Houston!

[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<br \>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

<p>Believe it or not, my Mormon name is <b>Jodelie Houston</b>!<br \><a href="http://rumandmonkey.com/widgets/toys/mormon/">Interesting huh? What the hell is yours?</a></p>
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Sonntagsfrhmorgenglockenschall [19 Mar 2002|06:36pm]
[ mood | singy ]

it's a good word. that i stole. from here

anyway, i've been conversing with my best friend from marching band (college, not high school)...that is going well, considering i haven't seen her since her wedding 2 years ago....not a bad falling out or anything...just lost touch

and though, my first shrink didn't work out (they seldom do), i'm still optimistic about finding a new one....and i have some leads

and i'm dying my hair again...to get the blue to stay this time....more so anyway

and my kneebo hurts....cause i ripped The Scab off (falling put The Scab there in the first place)

end of update

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